10/21/2017

The Laws of Attraction and the Modern Dating Scene 

A useful, although reductive, theory on attraction comes from evolutionary psychology. It holds that we are drawn to others on the basis of our assessment of their reproductive fitness. We weigh up physical qualities (symmetry, health, youth, strength in men, child-bearing indicators in women), material possessions (wealth), social skills (status, charity, humour, confidence) and cultural factors (fashion, weight, skin tone, hair styles, body decoration). We have roughly standardized perceptions of 'attractive' individuals, though it can vary over history and in different parts of the world.
 




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People feel sexually attracted to other people on account of a number of physical traits that could be identified, at the level of each individual, as pleasant and seductive. This means that physical appearance has the greatest influence on determining the type of partner we want, at least in the beginning of an intimate, erotic relationship. As a result, we are prompted into categorizing people into ugly men and ugly women. However, this identification only depends on individual preferences.

If she says no - don't take it personally. If it's possible - become her friend. You really can't lose anything - you can only have one more friend. Once she knows you better, she might even ask you out.

Various factors can be at play during the initial attraction. Sometimes it begins as physical impulse - pheromones doing their work - and sometimes it starts as an emotional connection first. Usually it involves an implicit assessment of the other's suitability as a potential mate (genetic donor) and/or a long-term partner (protector of self and of future offspring). This entails a complex interplay of observation (often matching them up to our ideal, or even setting them up as an ideal), reaction (via chemicals and body language) and interaction.

An excellent book that deals with attraction from an evolutionary perspective is 'The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature' by Geoffrey Miller. His hypothesis is that a lot of how we conduct our lives e.g. high status jobs, creative work, being charitable or popular for example, sends signals to attract potential partners.

On an unconscious biological level we are given hidden attractors like pheromones and subtle physiological changes, like dilated pupils, the swelling of your lower lip and for men more obvious changes. We are also hard wired to know how to flirt.

If you want to seduce men you must first be convinced that you are seductive. You must be absolutely convinced that you are the most beautiful woman out there. Now I can almost hear some of you saying," Yeah, right." Many of you probably believe that you must be a certain weight, height, etc to get the man of your dreams.

We see, hear and smell other people; we do this on a daily basis, sometimes without even being aware of it. Sometimes unwillingly, other times deliberately, we tag other people on account of what our senses tell us about them. If their physical appearance reveals anything that we could label as unpleasant, we tend to immediately dismiss any association between beauty and the individual we are examining. However, which are the characteristics that make us differentiate between ugly women/ugly men and their beautiful counterparts?

Most of these signals can be used both subtly and effectively in almost any setting. Licking a dollop of whipped cream could be perfectly acceptable in a Starbucks or bookstore cafe. Playing with your hair and looking a man in the eyes would be perfectly natural as you walk out of your favorite salon.

- jewelry placed in eye catching areas ( ex. a carefully hung necklace to bring his eyes to your cleavage) - the hair toss - playing with your hair

Ask for her number. If you feel uncomfortable asking for her number after a few minutes try to find out what local coffee bars she likes to frequent. You might be able to arrange another "accidental" meeting there.

When we allow ourselves these instincts kick in. Women automatically know to cross and uncross their legs, play with their hair, flirt with our eyes. No one took us aside and taught a class on it.

When you see an attractive woman, assess the situation and make eye contact. Don't stare and don't look like a psycho. Apply the "3 second rule". This means that, if you see a woman you think is attractive, three seconds after that you should start a conversation with her. What to say? Well, a good thing to do is to use a neutral-opinion opener. For example, you ask her a question about something that has nothing to do with you. In fact, it really doesn't matter what you say. Women pay more attention to the way you're saying it. She's looking for a man who is confident.

The key to knowing how and when to use your attraction signals lies in examining your societies rules ( ex. interoffice romance is usually a no no) and working within their parameters.

Why is it more difficult for agreeable, beautiful features to stand out from a mass of ugly characteristics? Why is it so easy for ugly features to cast a veiling shadow over beautiful characteristics and to make us forget everything about beauty? Truth be told, it all depends on how we are educated and on the environment we spend most of our time. In time, we tend to acquire the same standards of labeling as those shared by those around us. If most of the people in the company of whom we live think that a fat woman is an ugly woman, then so do we, even if somewhere else there are people (both men and women) who are not disturbed by a bit of fat. On the contrary, they even find it appealing.

Attracting a man is never as difficult as we make it out to be. You are born with the knowledge of how to give off the right signals. Let go of your shyness, practice and suddenly you will realize how natural flirting and attracting men can be.

Well why not make these natural signals conscious? If there is someone who has caught your eye, instead of looking away meet his gaze and hold it. Give him a smile or nod your head at him in passing. Men are so used to being rejected that these small signs that you are open to his approach will be welcomed with open arms.

- a husky laugh - biting your lower lip as you look him in the eyes - the added use of purchased pheromones - padded bras - form fitting outfits

If you live in the United States, for example, and you want to attract a man you can quite reasonably use: - eye flirtation - the lip lick - crossing and uncrossing your legs

There are things that you can do to be instantly more attractive to men. Some of these secrets involve the way you dress and apply your makeup, some involve the type of scent that you use and how you apply it and some involve more in depth seduction techniques and body language.

Attracting and seducing men is not as difficult as many of us make it out to be. As women, we naturally send out signals. The key is to know when to send them out and which ones to use. Watch any movie and the woman will show her interest in her man in several ways - meeting his eyes, leaning in to hear what he is saying, licking her lips, crossing her legs, twirling her hair around her finger, etc.. We do this naturally, even unconsciously.

I am here to tell you that you do not have to look like a supermodel to be the most beautiful, sexy and attention getting woman in the room. How many models have you heard of that have not only gotten their man but kept them? Not many. They have the look but haven't taken the time to enhance their other assets.

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Picking up women is a skill anyone can learn. Don't think that you can only find women to date when you are out at a party. Women are everywhere - you only need to pay closer attention. Use this fact and practice - flirt with as many women as you can and, at the beginning, with women you are not that interested in. Soon, you'll become an expert.

There are more and more forums for finding love including internet, speed-dating, lonely-hearts columns and match-making services. There have been many success stories linked with these platforms and they are drawing a wide audience. They are effective in part because they exclude individuals who are not looking for romance. The drawbacks can be that we don't have time to see the individual in roles other than as a 'potential date'. Also, increasingly relationships begin in the virtual sphere (online, SMS texts) which can remove some of the depth of a real relationship including the pain of being rejected. For clients in therapy who are considering more traditional meeting grounds, we explore options such as taking up hobbies, playing sports, joining clubs or organizing friendly dinner parties (perhaps asking friends to bring a single friend). These activities are rewarding in their own right, and carry the bonus of forming friendships and partnerships.

Because of different societal rules, many of our instincts have been suppressed. In certain cultures it is perfectly natural to walk around bare breasted, yet in others you can get arrested for this type of behavior.

Your look is a very small part of your whole seduction package. A truly seductive woman has many tools in her arsenal. She knows how to get his interest and to keep it focused on her alone. She knows how to get a man to cross a room just to speak to her, and how to get him to call her that night. Before she leaves her home to go out, she is confident of how the evening will end. Part of this is confidence, gained from living the part of seduction diva, and part of it is the use of visualization techniques.The good news is that all of these techniques can be taught.

First of all, an adequate, uniform body stance, lacking visible, major physical imperfections, is likely to determine us to label such as presence as an agreeable one. On the contrary, if there is something that ruins this uniformity, we tend to instantly detect something that reminds us of ugliness. For instance, there are many women who are tall and well-built; they have the perfect complexion, the perfect legs and breasts, and the perfect lips and eyes, and yet they are labeled as ugly women simply because their faces are "decorated", in some of the most incredible manners, by literally misshaped noses, too big or too crooked, making them look like evil sorceresses or strangely nosed animals.

Every creature on this planet gives off attraction signals. We are no exception. Some are blatant and some are unconscious. We are all born with the ability to physically attract others. Some of us have just cultivated this gift.

An available person is likely to send out the right signals when they are self-contented. It is a clich??, but a relevant one - when we can accept and love ourselves, we are in a good position to be accepted and loved by another. Inner confidence makes itself visible to potential partners. It is more convincing than 'fake' confidence (though sometimes in imagining ourselves confident, we can become it). This is why many happily committed individuals can be so appealing to others.

Ideas about compatibility include 'opposites attract' and 'like-minded attract'. There seems to be clinical support for both positions. On the one hand we may be drawn to individuals who have characteristics we lack. They may reflect our shadow side - the elements that reside within us but which we refuse to acknowledge. They may also balance or complement our personalities. Some examples of differences include highly-driven v. relaxed, artistic v. scientific, sporty v. sedate and introverted v. extroverted. On the other hand, like-minded individuals may connect well because it widens the field of interaction, for example sports lovers can play and watch games together, and extroverts can socialize happily. What seems important in either of these positions is that the underlying core values are congruent. Ethical and social ideals tend to be matched in solid partnerships.

Try to keep the conversation flowing naturally. Don't make it feel like an interview. Come up with some stories about you that are interesting. Be funny - this will break the ice and make her like you more as a person. Being funny when you are too nervous is not easy, but you must learn it. Don't talk about topics you know nothing about and don't talk too much about only one subject. Also, conversation about religion, politics, and anything else that is controversial, should be avoided. Also, it is natural to have breaks in a conversation - don't worry about this.

The same happens with some of the ugly men we meet. The point is that a single detail is enough to destroy what could otherwise be called a pleasant posture. However, even a single detail turns into something uninviting that cannot be ignored if it is visible. On the other hand, there are ugly people in the posture of whom we cannot identify but rarely some minor details that could be said to be beautiful. It is amazing how one uncomely detail can contribute to a general categorization into ugly women or ugly men and, on the contrary, how one beautiful detail is not sufficient to "redeem" individuals from their identification as ugly people.

Generally speaking, we select partners that are roughly similar to our own level of 'reproductive attractiveness' (measured in the wide sense). This means that it is not only the most 'attractive' individuals who manage to form partnerships - there is someone for everyone.


In the end, the whole point is that sexual attraction is practically absent where one of the two potential partners identifies something as ugly in the appearance of the other. However, there are many people who don't mind a nose a lot bigger than the usual standards as long as the face and the body that carry such a nose are otherwise unblemished. Truth be told, no one is searching for perfection. They are only looking for someone whose body should display as little or as few imperfections as possible. Even ugly women and ugly men could back up such a statement; if they are ugly, it doesn't necessarily mean they are attracted to ugliness.



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Author Dave Thomson
 
 
 


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