7/19/2018

Break it to Me Gently: How to Break Up With Someone as Painlessly as Possible 

To put it bluntlyIm going to be frank, nobody likes being dumped and few of us take pleasure in being the "dumper" either. The end of any relationship, often inspite of its length, will be a traumatic time for both parties involved where your emotions run rampant. Understanding, compassion, patience and especially, honesty, are the key factors in any successful break up, if there even is such a thing. You must learn how to let go of any relationship that you no longer wish to take part in, while preserving your dignity along with theirs.
 




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An excellent book that deals with attraction from an evolutionary perspective is 'The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature' by Geoffrey Miller. His hypothesis is that a lot of how we conduct our lives e.g. high status jobs, creative work, being charitable or popular for example, sends signals to attract potential partners.

Now the flip side of the coin, only because not everything is one sided. Sex and romance are two things that should be taken very serious. So, sex on the first date maybe out of the question, maybe a bit to taboo for some people, but it is out there none the less. Having sexual pleasure from someone you don't really know has its own set of risks. Embarking on an adventure of sex that involves two people that are at the first stages of something that can be grand is a scary thought and should be thought about wisely.

Be as Honest as the Day is Long This isn't a trite clich; but rather it's a clich that offers words to live by on a multitude of levels. Lies are insidious in that they must be fed by more even lies in order to be successful. Unless you plan on carrying around a notebook to keep track of all your fibs, white lies and down right untruths, it's best to just live your life honestly, which is after all, the best policy.

Success only came when you stop worrying about how to attract women. Instead, you should worry about how to be contented with yourself. Dedicate yourself to the principle that happiness comes not from outside, but from inside. Examined all of the factors in your life, all of the things that you cared about and the things that made you happy. Deepened and enriched your friendships, pursued your passion, and got in to see a therapist to tackle your low self-esteem. It worked wonders. Once you thought of yourself as attractive, women began to feel the same way about you. The rest is history.

The best way to start dating beautiful, gorgeous women is to realize that there is no secret. Instead of trying to figure out how to attract women, try to figure out how to be yourself instead. It is really that simple. There is no rocket science to master. People with low self-esteem tend to be plagued by problems and insecurities in practically every aspect of their life. They will wonder how to get a good career, how to attract women, how to succeed in life and love, and yet never managed to accomplished any of these things. The secret is not pheromones to attract women, psychological tricks, or any of that nonsense. The secret is simply to have confidence and faith in yourself.

Various factors can be at play during the initial attraction. Sometimes it begins as physical impulse - pheromones doing their work - and sometimes it starts as an emotional connection first. Usually it involves an implicit assessment of the other's suitability as a potential mate (genetic donor) and/or a long-term partner (protector of self and of future offspring). This entails a complex interplay of observation (often matching them up to our ideal, or even setting them up as an ideal), reaction (via chemicals and body language) and interaction.

The feelings we get from sexual pleasure is a feeling like we get from being happy or sad. Nevertheless, it's still a feeling and that's it, a simple emotion. Do we deny ourselves the chance to be happy or sad? No we don't! So what is the big deal about sex on the first date? It is all perceived how we view it in our minds and what we where taught when we where younger by the people who raised us. Old fashion people will say it is bad, the not so old fashion generation will say it is good.

There are more and more forums for finding love including internet, speed-dating, lonely-hearts columns and match-making services. There have been many success stories linked with these platforms and they are drawing a wide audience. They are effective in part because they exclude individuals who are not looking for romance. The drawbacks can be that we don't have time to see the individual in roles other than as a 'potential date'. Also, increasingly relationships begin in the virtual sphere (online, SMS texts) which can remove some of the depth of a real relationship including the pain of being rejected. For clients in therapy who are considering more traditional meeting grounds, we explore options such as taking up hobbies, playing sports, joining clubs or organizing friendly dinner parties (perhaps asking friends to bring a single friend). These activities are rewarding in their own right, and carry the bonus of forming friendships and partnerships.

What ever your choice is, it is the right choice for you. Sexual attraction happens if we want it to or not. Everybody has their own opinion in this topic, just as I do and you do. If you decide to wait for that right person to come along and share nights of sex and romance with, so be it! If you are one for sex on the first date, the only advice I can offer is be careful, have fun and may your experience be as every bit of exciting as you hope!

Generally speaking, we select partners that are roughly similar to our own level of 'reproductive attractiveness' (measured in the wide sense). This means that it is not only the most 'attractive' individuals who manage to form partnerships - there is someone for everyone.

Avoid trite clichs What could be worse than the "It wasn't you, it was me" statement? No one believes that, and frankly it's insulting and really makes no sense. Since you aren't breaking up with yourself, how could it not have had something to do with the other person? Avoid using these lines as easy ways out since you know they don't really fool anyone. At least put forth some minimal effort and offer some sort of an explanation if the break-up is sudden.

Speaking from experience, I never did have sex on the first date or even the third date. Sometimes I am happy with it, and the other times I wish I did. Some people view sex like it is love making, not entirely true, well really it all depends on who you talk to. Some people will say that the sexual pleasure you give and receive should be from somebody special. The sexual attraction that is felt for someone is a thing that can not be held back but the actions can be. I guess the question should read, "Do we act on or feelings of sexual desires on someone we just met when the sexual attraction is there?"

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Many men want to know how to attract women, as if there is a need to swallow some magic pill. They tend to think of attractive women as some sort of commodity. They do not even feel like men unless they have a gorgeous woman at their beck and call. Most of these guys suffer from very low self-esteem and confidence. Their entire sense of self-worth is based entirely on dating attractive, gorgeous women, and generally they are single. Therefore, they think of themselves as nothing, or even less than nothing.

An available person is likely to send out the right signals when they are self-contented. It is a clich??, but a relevant one - when we can accept and love ourselves, we are in a good position to be accepted and loved by another. Inner confidence makes itself visible to potential partners. It is more convincing than 'fake' confidence (though sometimes in imagining ourselves confident, we can become it). This is why many happily committed individuals can be so appealing to others.

Ideas about compatibility include 'opposites attract' and 'like-minded attract'. There seems to be clinical support for both positions. On the one hand we may be drawn to individuals who have characteristics we lack. They may reflect our shadow side - the elements that reside within us but which we refuse to acknowledge. They may also balance or complement our personalities. Some examples of differences include highly-driven v. relaxed, artistic v. scientific, sporty v. sedate and introverted v. extroverted. On the other hand, like-minded individuals may connect well because it widens the field of interaction, for example sports lovers can play and watch games together, and extroverts can socialize happily. What seems important in either of these positions is that the underlying core values are congruent. Ethical and social ideals tend to be matched in solid partnerships.

Don't Become a Puppeteer Worse than silly clichs and excuses are when you're strung along like a puppet for months or even years on end while the other person decides on how to end it. Imagine how they'd feel knowing you wanted it over for a while now but just didn't have the guts or the gumption to actually do it? Drawing things out only create drama and even more hurt feelings. Quick and painless is always better than a slow, agonizing end to a relationship that's long been over.

A useful, although reductive, theory on attraction comes from evolutionary psychology. It holds that we are drawn to others on the basis of our assessment of their reproductive fitness. We weigh up physical qualities (symmetry, health, youth, strength in men, child-bearing indicators in women), material possessions (wealth), social skills (status, charity, humour, confidence) and cultural factors (fashion, weight, skin tone, hair styles, body decoration). We have roughly standardized perceptions of 'attractive' individuals, though it can vary over history and in different parts of the world.

Sex on the first date? Oh, here is a nice taboo topic that I know everyone talks about, with their friends and a few choice people. But few people talk about it out in the open. So the big question is really, yes or no, do we have sex on the first date or not? Well to tell you the truth, it's all a personal opinion. What if the sexual attraction is there between you and the other person? We know that sometimes when we meet someone for the first time, we get this feeling of wanting sex or romance. There is nothing wrong with it; we need to remember, it is still a feeling and apart of our everyday lives.

The above information is supplied of course with the assumption that the relationship is deserving of at least some of the common courtesies that are outlined here. We all know of people who has done something terrible or who isnt worth the effort of striving for an amicable break-up. In either case it's you who will feel better if you handle the situation with as much honesty, dignity and maturity as possible.

Another thing you must be aware of is what your body is saying to women you meet. You may see many offers that tell you how to attract ladies with body language, but the first thing you should worry about is repelling them with it. You can easily be doing things with your body that is turning women off. The way you stand and present yourself may be telling them that you are snobbish, unapproachable, or perhaps extremely arrogant. Learn how to be open with your body and you may find that women are more at ease with you.

Do Unto Others Put the shoe on the other foot, if you will, for just a moment and think of how you'd want to be treated if you in fact were the "dumpee" in this scenario instead. Respect the person's privacy after ending the relationship as well; anything told to you in confidence should remain that way whether you're together or not. After all, you'd want it to work the same in reverse.

Avoidance isn't the Answer There are some people, cowards, if you will, who choose to end a relationship by doing nothing at all. Going out of their way to avoid the other person, not returning phone calls or e-mails and simply dropping from sight, are all common methods of ending a relationship by taking the easy way out. This leaves a host of unanswered questions for the other party, not to mention absolutely no closure whatsoever.

There really is no secret about how to attract women, but if you are applying techniques that others say work for them, you may be scaring them away. You must be first and foremost be yourself . If you are not, it is not going to matter how many fantastic tips your get, how many books you read about how to attract women or how many seminars about how to approach women you attend. Being yourself is by far the best way to find the right woman, and that is far more important than anything. If you put up a false front, you are going to attract the women that really do not mesh with who you are, and both of you are going to end up bitterly disappointed.



Communication is needed in all walks of life. This is the reason for us to write this article on which perfumes actually contain pheromones; to communicate itÂ’s meaning to everyone.
Author Dave Thomson
 
 
 


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